Grief is a Process and a part of our Journey: Part 2

When I wrote part one of "Grief is a Process and a part of our Journey" did I ever in million years think that the next part of it would hit even closer to home. You know as we grow older, we expect to lose our parents at some time, friends we grew up with, etc... Never in our wildest dreams or I should say our nightmares do we expect to lose a child. 

In November 2024 two days before Thanksgiving, I lost my youngest son Andrew to a horrific accident. To say that I was utterly gutted would be an understatement. Since then, I have walked through so many emotions and feelings. At first, I started feeling guilty because I felt like I wasn't falling apart like I had seen friends who were in the same position do. I knew in my heart that God gave me confirmation and peace about where he was and that I would see him again. So, I had that peace. A couple of weeks after his service we received information about the investigation, and I swear it was as if I had lost him all over again. We made it through the holidays with a huge piece of our hearts missing. We are all slowly trying to navigate through the grief in our own ways and trying to heal.

Last month while getting ready for our monthly family dinner I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me again. You see for several years my sweet boy had been estranged from us, if fact we had only been reconnected for the past couple of years. Last spring was the first time I had gotten to hug him and tell him I loved him since 2017. We got surprised visits from him last year where he would just show up for a late-night chat with me until the wee hours of the morning, or he would drop by to just sit out back with me and his bonus dad to talk and watch the birds. He absolutely loved birds of all kinds and could tell you so much information about each one.  Those were some of my favorite times spent with him. Anyway, last month while I was getting the house ready the thought of having all the kids and grandbabies over ran through my head and it hit me that not all of them would be there. It hit me right then that Andrew wouldn't be there. He wasn't just estranged from us and that's why I couldn't see him or not talk to him, he was truly gone, and I would never again get to see him, talk to him and love on him this side of heaven. Now I knew and know that he was gone I've been knowing that, but I guess in some way my brain had protected me a little allowing me to feel like he was still here, but we couldn't talk to him when we were estranged. My heart broke all over again and I have been struggling ever since. 

I don't know how to function anymore. I walked out back, and I see the birds and I want to send him a video of them or shoot him a text with a picture of one of the new ones showing up. He would have gotten a huge kick out of Bluebird that flew in the through the back door and into the living room looked around and then flew back out. I see a reel on YouTube or Facebook that makes me think of him and I start to send it and then remember I can't. I feel like I am just going through the motions most days because I am so sad. I know this a journey I am on and that I have to allow the process, but can I just be as real as can with you? I don't want to! I want him to still be here I don't want to have to figure out how to live without him. 

How does a parent live and recover when their child dies? Because honestly feel like I am failing at it. I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing and I will see Andrew again one day, but right now it just hurts. I know I have slipped on reading my Bible whether it be anger or just overwhelmed the bottom line is I know that the promises of God in His word is where my help, hope, and comfort come from. 

For anyone reading this that has gone through losing a child whether they are little or full grown my heart goes out to you and I pray the Lord gives you, his peace. 

Here are a few of the scriptures I came across today that offer comfort and hope:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Revelations 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

Psalm 23:4 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for your rod and your staff they comfort me.