Grief is a Process and a Part of Our Journey

Have you ever had something you know you really needed to do but kept putting it off because it hurts too much? Yeah, that would be me right now. I've been putting writing off writing because it hurts too much. 

You see I lost my dad in November 2020 and this year it is hitting me harder and just really hurts. I've struggled more with it this year than when he passed or even last year.

My daddy was and will always be my hero.  He could do anything.  He was always there to help his neighbors in need, and he loved us so much.  I never doubted his love for us.  He encouraged us and told us we could do and be anything we set our minds to.

I know he was sick when I was little having had a heart attack not long after my baby sister was born.  Even though he was sick from that when I think of him, I have to struggle to see him that way.  When I think of my daddy, I can see him walking across the front yard after coming home from work. I remember looking at him and thinking daddy looks like a big grizzly bear. He was strong and looked burly to me.  So, that is always what I associate with him, that and wolves since those were his favorite.

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to sit on his swing outside and just talk to him for hours.  That was mine and his thing when I would go visit before he had his strokes and kidney failure back in 2016 and it was hard for him to get around.  We would go outside and walk around the yard, and we would always end up sitting in that swing.  We would talk about anything and everything.  Always joking when we were done that, we had solved all the world's problems.  

He could tell you something looking so serious, and you never knew until the punch line or until he was done that he was joking. I never will forget the time not long after he and momma moved to Tignall, GA I had gone to visit, and we were sitting out there.  He said, "Shelly we have got the darnedest things down here".  I asked him what he was talking about. He said, "I was sitting out here, and we had a dang Tetradactyl fly over the house".  I was like you do know those are extinct, right? He kept swearing he had seen one. The more we talked I finally said, it has got to be an Egret or Crane that had flown over. When I looked up at him, he had that smile or more like a smirk on his face that he always got when he was pulling your leg knowing the jig was up and I had caught on. 

I remember growing up and hearing him telling stories about his childhood growing up in Atlanta. He would tell the most hilarious stories about himself and his cousin Lamar.  I would laugh until I cried.  They got in so much trouble, I swear it is a miracle they made it to adulthood after hearing about some of their adventures.

I have so many wonderful memories from my childhood. One of my favorite memories from when I was little was during a storm, and we had lost power.  Momma and daddy had the kerosene lamps burning on the mantle and a fire in the fireplace.  I remember sitting behind daddy's chair that was in front of the bookcase built into the side of the fireplace playing with my dolls and listening to my momma read to us from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.  Even though it was scary with the power off and the storm happening I remember feeling safe because I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to us.  I miss him so very much! I want a hug from him, I want to sit and talk to him, I just miss him.

When daddy had the stroke in 2016 his health went down and then his kidneys started failing. There were several times that we thought we were going to lose him.  I remember going to stay with him at the hospital in Athens while my sister Jennifer stayed with momma.  My daddy looked so frail from being sick. My grizzly bear just didn't look like himself any longer. My heart hurt so much thinking of the tremendous difference. Most of the days in the hospital he was confused and living in the past. I just let him talk. I remember one night, in particular, hearing him humming softly some old hymns.  Then he started talking about his Jesus.  That was probably the first time I can remember hearing him talk like that. Not that he didn't believe but that just wasn't something I normally heard him talk about. Hearing that I had hope that I would see him again when it was his time.

I remember the night my sister Jennifer called me to let me know he had passed away.  I remember being afraid to answer the phone because it was so late at night, and I had a feeling about what the call was about. When she told me what had happened, I remember not crying. I can't remember what I asked her, but I remember not crying and holding it together until I got off the phone. I was worried about how she and momma were taking it. Once I disconnected the call the dam broke, and I fell apart.  

The next morning when my alarm clock went off and I got up to start getting ready like I did every Tuesday to go help feed our homeless friends at The Way. My husband came into the room and said he was going to call Pastor Jerry to let him know we wouldn't be there and why.  I shook my head and said no we are going.  This is what I normally do and I need normal today. I'm craving normal. I had a couple of moments throughout the day but not many.  I remember talking to my sister that evening and she was saying something about needing to go to the grocery store, but she didn't want to go. She said, "It just feels wrong to do something so normal today".  Where I was craving normal to get through the day, it felt right for me, but to do something normal felt wrong to her.

I've had friends that have lost a spouse, a child, or another family member and not cry for the first year.  If anyone was watching it would seem as if they didn't care, but when that second year rolled around the tears came.  The shock had finally worn off so that they could finally cry. Then some started crying when it happened, and it has been a couple of years or more since the loss and they are still crying. 

So, who was right, me or my sister with the normal being right or normal not being right? The ones crying and showing their grief immediately or delayed? All of the above. 

I say that to say this we all grieve differently.  Each of us are unique individuals that God has made. No, two people are going to grieve the same way and that's ok.  Grief is a journey we all must take at some point in our lives, allow yourself the time to go through the process.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings you feel.  God gave you the ability to feel for a reason. I know it hurts but bottling them up or covering them up with other things is not healthy and that's only temporary and it usually causes more issues or problems for you in the long run. Talk with someone if you need to work through the grieving process it's ok to do that.  You can journal your feelings and thoughts if you need to get them out. That's what I  have been doing every time I have had a moment I pull up my journal. The point is don't rush yourself, take the time you need to grieve so that you can heal. 

As much as I miss my daddy I would not want him back the way he was when he passed away. He had been so sick for so long.  I do have the hope that I will see him again and I will hold onto that hope.  I will continue to allow God to help me through each day and hold fast to His word and promises. One verse that comes to my mind talks about him being near the brokenhearted.

So, remember it's OK to allow yourself to grieve and feel those feelings.  I hope this helps someone and encourages them. Until next time, God bless.  - Michelle Gaines

*Here's the verse I was talking about. If you have one you want to share with others to encourage them, please feel free to post it in the comments. 

Psalms 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted